Parental Alienation column

One of the most difficult and unsettling problems I deal with in my office is the damage caused children by a tumultuous marriage followed by a tumultuous divorce.
There is nothing sadder than a child frozen in fear and shame because
they have inadvertently betrayed one parent to another and can never seem to
get things right with both parents at the same time.

Through no fault of their own, these children are trying to maintain loving relationships with two parents whose feelings are hurt and unacknowledged by one other. As disillusioned partners,
their parents are responding to each other with anger, and all too often, a
misplaced desire for revenge. Often they
remark that they can’t bear to think of their child being equally badly hurt by
their ex-spouse, whom they no longer trust.

Of course, the primary reason their children can rarely be relaxed and comfortable is that one or both parents feel they are justified in wishing the child to take sides with
them against the other parent. There are
several unfortunate but very common ways in which they do this.

1. They take the child aside for “a talk” in which they manage to explain to the child how the other parent has messed something
up and that if that other parent really cared about the child, this wouldn’t
have happened.

2. Instead of taking responsibility for their own mistakes, they suggest to the child that whatever has gone wrong is related to
the other parent’s bad behavior and its effect on them.

3. They set up situations which create tension in the other parent’s life, such as: last minute time changes, long trips which
they tell the child about before they
get the okay from the other parent, last minute special events which appear to
be planned to interfere with the child’s visitation schedule, unexpected
appearances at the other residence to give or receive items or information but
which interfere with bedtimes or family events….

4. They intentionally create tension and anger in the child by such things as: telling the
child about all the good times they are missing because they aren’t allowed to
be with them on that day, saying they don’t see the child enough so they don’t
want to take the child to sports practices etc. because they will lose some of
“their” time, sharing information about
the other parent’s past in order to make them look bad, requesting that the
child keep secrets about special treats or plans from the other parent, pushing
the child to ‘spy’ on the other parent, scoffing at the other parent’s
household rules….

5. Sometimes they “choose” not to pass on important information or gifts from the other parent to the child. Also, they may erroneously accuse the other
of failing to pass on messages because the child has chosen not to respond, and the bad feeling between parents makes it
seem as if it is an intended slight.

6. They may behave in an overtly upset and offended manner if the other attends a game or presentation in which the child is
involved, thus ignoring the child’s need for a calm and supportive environment,
as well as their probable desire to be admired and recognized by both parents
at a moment of achievement. In reaction
to this type of situation, the child is likely to become afraid to speak about
their desire to see or speak to the parent who is not present, lest they
distress or aggravate the parent they are with at that time. The child may even come to dread special
events which will put them in a position of choosing which parent will miss
out.

7. They frequently employ legal means, more to maintain the struggle for being heard and acknowledged than because court
proceedings are really useful and helpful.
Demands for time, for rights, for changes in financial agreements, keep
the fires ignited and the state of all the major adults in the child’s life
resentful and stressed to the max.

As a result of the intense pressures created by these dynamics, children often show serious signs of anxiety. Bed-wetting, nail-biting, self-injurious behaviours such as picking at their skin, compulsive hair twisting, withdrawal,
cutting, bullying, oppositional attitudes, all can be signs that the child is
over-loaded with stress. If the system
remains in place, some of these children show developing signs of serious
depression (which may present as intensifying sadness, anger or antisocial
behaviours) and/or obsessive or
compulsive patterns.

Sadly, this is a theme which is occurring with relative frequency and the assumptions and reactions of all involved are remarkably predictable. Knowing this pattern of anxiety and hostility and
understanding the common fears of divorced parents, can help many people (grandparents
and aunts and uncles included) reassess
their allegiance to such a destructive approach and make positive changes for
children.

If you are dealing with someone exhibiting this pattern, try not to get so absorbed in the drama of loss that you lose your balance and your joys. If you provide an example of living life with optimism, acceptance,
respect and caring, the children in your life can only benefit. De-stress
your children or grandchildren through play and social activity. As they
get older there is great benefit in including them in community projects and
events. Working on behalf of the welfare of others is a great antidote to
negativity and suspicion. Encourage and enjoy their accomplishments as
human beings as well as their trust in life.

I am grateful that this is currently being addressed by our society under the label of “Parental Alienation”. It is a useful way of describing the pattern. There is nothing new about the problem, but hopefully there can be something
new that we can do about helping one another understand it and begin to
dismantle it. There is just too much
pain for children in such circumstances.
We need to support one another and let the children be children again.

In reality, we all want the best for our children.