LAUGH OUT LOUD

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Comment by Richard Davis 2 hours ago

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> have to go home and come back later.
> >
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************




My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



******************************************




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...



******************************************




A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Comment by Lowell Brandon 5 hours ago

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says,”Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and See how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, “One”.

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65″.

The boss says, “$101,237.65?” What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot – you should go fishing.’

Comment by Lowell Brandon 5 hours ago

Is Martha Stewart stalking your dogs?

Top 10 Ways To Tell If Martha Is Stalking Your Dog:

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Comment by Lowell Brandon 5 hours ago

Scam targeting older men

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot.

Comment by Lowell Brandon 5 hours ago

Richard and Norma - I roared with laughter over those.

Food poisoning?? I hope Cindy feels better soon.

Comment by Norma 11 hours ago

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh!, we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows" The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Comment by Norma 12 hours ago

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break.The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered". The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best, eveything inside them is in alphabetical order". The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded" Then, the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers, they are heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable" To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, added, "I like engineers, they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end"

Comment by Norma 12 hours ago

Your joke was hilarious, Richard, thanks.

Comment by rheal ducharme 19 hours ago

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.
"The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"
A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American."
EYAY CANADA...honk...

Comment by Richard Davis 19 hours ago

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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